this one's really, really old. i found it last night and removed half the commas. now it's good.

He sits alone on a park bench. Patiently, for hours he has waited.

The sun has wheeled around to nestle in other clouds. All his shadows would point east, but for the streetlights. Instead, they pool around his feet, dripping out from under his chin and from the space beneath his folded leg. He exhales loudly, watching his breath condense in the air. It billows white and then dissipates, drifting away like smoke. He curls a hand around his forearm. He feels the wind bite into his cheek, into his leg through the fabric of his trousers.

He is alone but he acts as if he is not. Occasionally he stretches out an arm to comfort the air on the bench next to him. He looks around him, unconcerned. There is nobody else in view. A fox creeps unnoticed across the path, dashing for cover under another rhododendron.

Clouds cover the moon and the light dims. Old memories are brought to mind. A fairy story, a goodnight rhyme, recited each night like clockwork. Flitting and flashing through his mind, leaving no impression. They have flitted before. Hurried on, driven away by more urgent thoughts. He is visibly focused.

He slowly extends an arm and glances at his watch. A silhouette rounds the crest of the hill.


bering said...

more than the content, what i loved was the rythm, the liquid motion of the words.

which is why i would offer a personal opinion that i normally wouldn't, as it isn't constructive criticism, nor even criticism, but a matter of personal preference.

I would remove the redundant "he creeps unnoticed", "they have flitted before" and "more urgent thoughts" and simply place the additional adverbe or adjective in the preceding sentence, to maintain the flow.

Forgive my impertinence, I really liked it.

Ok. Shoot me now.

Della said...


thanks. i always value crits, especially from somebody who writes as well as you do.

maybe i should take lessons from how i wrote a year ago. it seems less stilted...

bering said...

thanks for the compliment.

i reread some old stuff from a couple of years ago and i personally think my writing has deteriorated, become stuffy, formal, cold. Instead of solidifying, i could say my style has congealed? :)