fighting boredom in the workplace

a collaboration with sookraj

#01. Write a short, brutally honest description of each of your workmates.
#02. Wander round the office stapling everyone's description to their foreheads.
#03. Laugh maniacally .
#04. Barricade yourself in the copy room, shout a lot, ask for a negotiator.
#05. You've heard of dirty protests, right?
#06. Demand emotionally raw PJ Harvey albums, especially "Rid of Me".
#07. Go the copy room, get yourself a ream of paper, return to your desk and proceed to ball up sheets and throw them at your nearest co-worker until they snap and proceed through steps #01 to #06.
#8. Boil the kettle and walk around pouring water into people's processors when they're away from their desks.
#9. Take the head of the mop off and wear it like a wig.
#10. Belch loudly.
#11. Jump up and down on every piece of paper you are given.
#12. Go to the toilets and take comedy pictures of yourself.
#13. Walk with a pronounced gangsta limp.
#14. Talk to yourself, twitch (your workmates will LOVE this).
#15. Hide under your desk, time how long it takes for somebody to check you're ok. When they do, leap out and thank them for saving your life. Then ask for a glass of water.
#16. Chew the top off a biro, smear the ink all around your face. Act like everything is normal.
#17. Approach a randomly chosen co-worker, grip their shoulder, tell them not to worry (loud enough so your peers can hear).
#18. Go to the bathroom twenty times in an hour.
#19. Speak into you lapel, relay your co-workers every move to your CIA buddies. "Target is now moving the filing cabinet..."
#20. Lace the office coffee with Ketamine. Enjoy the ensuing slow-motion hilarity.
#21. Secrete a drum-n-bass playing walkman somewhere in the office. Make sure it is loud enough to be heard, but impossible to find. Watch as psychotic episodes unfold.
#22. Take advantage of the large amount of free floorspace to remember how to do a backwards roll.
#23. Do handstands against the door to the kitchen.
#24. Refuse to speak to anyone, conduct all communication via the art of mime.
#25. Sellotape a tabloid newspaper into one very long sheet of tat. Wrap yourself in it, head to toe.
#26. Make a round of tea, and put eight sugars in each. Dissolve biscuits into some of them.
#27. Turn the thermostat up to a tropical temperature. Leave the room.
#28. Pretend to fall asleep standing up, snoring loudly.
#29. Add more options to this list...

13 comments:

Sookraj said...

Long day, huh? :)

Sookraj said...

#30. Starting with a birth certificate slowly steal a co-workers identity, supplying them with a second life as a gambling porn baron. After they have have had all their belongings repossessed, turn up at their court hearing to speak on behalf of the prosecution. They clearly have problems and you believe that prison will be the lesson to open their eyes.

Sookraj said...

#31. Put your hand in your pants (secretly). Now try to touch as many of your workmates possessions as you can. Allow yourself a smile when you see a colleague chewing on *that* pen.

Della said...

#32. pour warm water onto people's swivel chairs when they're away from
their desks

Della said...

#34. get a pair of scissors, and crawl around the office slicing
people's shoelaces. when questioned, tell them you are saving their souls.

Della said...

#35. wear shorts to work. smear chocolate sauce all over your legs and lick at them throughout the day.

Della said...

#36. stand behind one of your colleagues as they work, slowly edging closer and closer. if they notice before you are close enough to breathe on the back of their head, appplaud. if they don't, scream into their ear and then run from the building.

Della said...

#37. throw your favourite mug into the air repeatedly, while singing 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day'. make no attempt to catch the mug.

Sookraj said...

Dude, #35 is still vile, and this the second time I've read it.

#38. Trim your pubis then deposit the clippings in the coffee jar. Observe the look on your colleagues' faces as they drain their mug and find your special surprise in the bottom of the cup. Savour that moment, perhaps take a photo.

Shiny Mc Shine said...

#45. Two words. WEIGHT GAIN.

#46. One word. SUPERGLUE.

#47. If you've got some kind of open plan office where you can see your co-workers, and the telephones are close enough together, then swap the recievers.

#48. If you've got the time, (and long enough wires) exchange the monitors, mice and keyboards of two computers, leaving only the 'brain' intact. Not only will the disk drives, CD drives not work (but cause surprising pop-ups on the screens of others), hopefully they won't work out what the real issue is until one of them turns their computer off.

If you don't have that kind of time, just swap the keyboards.

Andy said...

#49. Hide all the printer and copier paper.
#50. Recycle already used paper back into the printers and copiers (even better if they're already printed both sides).

Chaucer's Bitch said...

#49 go into your coworker's desk and connect all thier paperclips into a chain. giggle when they try to pick up just one.

ellie! said...

#35. Can-can.
#36. Send all memos in the form of paper aeroplanes, the more extravagant the better.
#37. Buy a megaphone.
#38. Tell co-workers that email is the root of all evil (by email).
#39. (specifically for OU workers): refer to all the courses by totally random collections of letter and numbers and get exasperated when no-one knows what you're referring to, M25 being especially amusing.
#40. Become inappropriately touchy-feely all of a sudden. Blame your parents.
#41. Join as many internet special-interest forums as physically possible. Embroidery, toby-jug collecting and yodelling should be of special note.
#42. Sit at your desk not moving or touching anything. When people ask what you're doing, tell them you're making virtual phone-calls.
#43. Send someone else into work in place of you. The next day act like nothing happened. See who cracks first.
#44. Demand to be paid by the hour. Every hour. ON the hour. In cash. In coppers.
#45. Learn Swahili. Practice at every available opportunity. If questioned, say you are the new cultural relations spokesperson. Report them.
#46. Create a shrine to Boris Johnson underneath your desk. Complete with incense, candles and life-size cardboard cut-outs.
#47. Award yourself an Oscar. Dress appropriately and thank everyone in your office for everything they've done to help you achieve this great honour. Keep the statuette in the kitchen.
#48. Arrange the bisuits into intricate patterns, placing Jammy Dodgers in the exact centre and all Bourbons at right angles.
#49. Rustle mysteriously.
#50. Bring a gramophone to work, and instigate office tea dances.